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[19 Nov 2006|01:14pm] |
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is anybody hanging out tonight? i'd love to see everyone! i wanted to call last night, but i ended up getting really sick. but i'm better now, so hopefully people are chilling tonight!
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| drama, drama, drama |
[07 Nov 2006|08:59pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
this IS why i hang out with guys.
the girls here are so dramatic.
i stayed out of the drama, i really did. all i did was suggest was maybe kristy wasn't seeing the whole situation. she's acting like she's the victim, she did nothing wrong, and she just wants out of the drama. SHE FREAKING STARTED THE DRAMA. i'm not trying to judge her, but she hasn't made very smart decisions lately, and she's not trying to see the whole picture...maybe she's in denial. and i know she maybe has a right to be mad...somewhat...but she's making another friend cry and cry and cry...and still acts like it's the fault of that girl.
i know you all don't know here or anyone here, but i'm just frustrated that girls can be like this. you girls aren't like this. so why is there drama like this here? gah i'm so frustrated. i'm hanging out with guys. period. from now on. until i get home.
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| happy birthday to me |
[02 Nov 2006|08:19am] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
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music |
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High by James Blunt |
] |
i told him how i felt. he's still coming, but against his better judgment. i think i'm breaking his heart...i still love him, but i'm not sure i can still be in a relationship.
please someone to me i'm not a bad person.
i had everything planned out for this weekend. friday night was supposed to be the best ever.
oh no.
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| Important |
[28 Oct 2006|03:06pm] |
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In case anybody needs to call me this week, my phone is being shut off because my parents are getting me a new one right now, so the old one is getting turned off from the service. If you need to call me, just call my mom's phone until friday. Same thing for texting, but only if it's completely necessary. If you don't have the number, I'll give it to you over AIM. but i'm going back to my phone on friday, so then i'll be able to hear you again if you call!
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| omg |
[27 Oct 2006|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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The Hush Sound |
] |
i have been having SO much fun here lately. i mean, i know it's not champaign, but right now i have a great group of friends and i'm starting to really, really like it here. i don't want anyone to think i don't miss champaign, because i do, but i'm going to be okay here. i could be more than ok...wow. this is really cool. i just hope people don't think i'm moving on...
ps-i get to move out to a new room with kristy!!!!!! yay!
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| um hello...? um hi? |
[06 Oct 2006|04:48pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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when i filled out my housing application for truman last october, i noted that i wanted a roommate who is neat and likes early morning activity. i got a roommate who has crap just laying on her side of the room and won't let me open the door because she doesn't want people to see how messy she is. she sleeps all the time and if she's not sleeping, she's just in the room. especially when brock was here and she said she'd give us alone time, she spent the WHOLE saturday in her bed, just watching movies on her computer. things were going ok for awhile, but i'm pissed now. i hope she goes to live with her sorority sisters after this semester so i can have the room to myself.
at least it's parents weekend, so i'll have a good time these next couple days.
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| i am a horrible person |
[29 Sep 2006|11:28am] |
ok so...
my uncle's dad just died. he's my uncle-by-law, however, so it was not my grandpa. anyway, my mom thought it would be a nice idea if i sent them a sympathy card, so after class today i walked into the truman bookstore to look for one to send. what song is playing? livin' on a prayer. so who do i think of? all my crazy friends who i miss. so i walk over to the cards, trying to pick one out, but all i can think about is my crazy drunk friends singing this song...so in the end, i'm reading sympathy cards, trying very hard to suppress my laughter. i am a bad person. and i blame all of you back in champaign for it =)
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| home |
[05 Sep 2006|01:58pm] |
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mood |
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So sad... |
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music |
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How to Save a Life by the Fray |
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I want to be home more than anything in the world. I'd give so much just to be home. This is killing me.
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| omg you guys... |
[31 Aug 2006|03:44pm] |
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mood |
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too excited for words |
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music |
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TSL and The Friends Theme Song |
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...i can't wait to come home!!!!!
i'm sitting here, listening to TSL, trying to do my stupid critical writing crap, and all i can think about it how, in approximately 24 hours i will be leaving this place to come back to my favorite place ever...home.
and i can't stop smiling. i hope people will be hanging out saturday night so i can see all of you!
yay.
no matter what, i'm happy that i'm coming home, but am i more happy because i know i'm adjusting, and i know i'm gonna have a great weekend, and it's gonna be hard to leave, but i'll make it...?
i dunno. i'm just happy.
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| Looking back on the things I've done |
[20 Jul 2006|08:43pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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"The people who matter will always be there."
A very wise girl (Jackie) said those words to me early in senior year. I needed to hear them. They fit so perfectly. I was so lucky to have her there for me with that advice at that time, and I can never tell her how much that meant to me. Since that time, I've been going through life with that quote in mind. I realized that no matter how far I go, the important people will still be here (or there) for me. I believe that to be absolutely true. It's not to say, however, that if we lose touch, that they never mattered. They will still be great people in my eyes, it was just time for us to move on.
Just recently, I've called into question what it means to really live life by those words. I think, perhaps, I've allowed myself to become apathetic (which I hate to be) because I've thought no matter what, those people would be there. I cannot let that happen. I don't want to give the impression that I don't care, I do. I will miss all of you who are reading this next year. I know that how I've behaved this summer may not seem acceptable to some of you. I'll be very honest: my boyfriend is the one I call first. When we're not busy, we hang out with each other. Yes, we should probably hang out in groups more often. This is something, in my short time left here, that I want to attempt to do. I have not meant to deliberately hurt anyone by making this choice. I have found that while facing goodbyes with everyone (that will be difficult), the one with him is proving to become what will most likely be the hardest. So, I choose to spend a majority of my free time with him.
I do not do this because I don't like anyone else. Because I don't love anyone else. Because I won't miss anyone else. I do this because I feel it is what makes the happiest most of the time. But hanging out with my friends...I love it too. I just feel like I've been prepared to say goodbye to all of you. I knew this day would one day come. Honestly, most of us have known for a long time (even before senior year) where we would most likely end up next year. Maybe I'm just not prepared enough to say goodbye to him yet.
I'm trying NOT to sound self-absorbed here, I hope it's working. If you can't understand what it's like, that's not your fault...I'm just trying to explain myself. I am not making excuses. If you're still not satisfied, I truly apologize. I want this last month to be great, and this is what is making me happy. Right now, I'm worrying about what I need.
Gosh, reading this I feel like some of you may think I'm such a selfish brat. Maybe this wasn't the right place to say all of this because you may not understand, but I'm trying, really.
Here, right now, I'm saying sorry for feelings I have hurt. I never meant to do that and I still don't want to. I'm sorry if I've given the impression that I don't want to be around my friends. I feel so stressed sometimes because of my lack of free time. Maybe I take the easy route by choosing to hang out with him a majority of the time. I want to use my remaining time more wisely. I want to stop being apathetic. I know the people who matter will not just stay even if I don't make an effort. I will make an effort. I'm going to go about that the best way I can, trying not to hurt feelings and doing what is right for me. If that's not enough, I don't know what else to do. I'm not giving up. But I'm happy, so I don't want to do a complete 180...and risk my happiness. If I sound selfish, I'm sorry, again. Truly. This is how I'm dealing with saying goodbye.
There's one more quote I really love. I don't know if it pertains to this, but I was reminded of it tonight and I just want to share.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss
Thanks for listening.
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[17 Jul 2006|03:37pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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n/a |
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DIRECTIONS:
write ten statements,
intended to different people,
with things you've always wanted to say.
never tell which one is to who.
1. I'm scared to lose you because you remind me of the good times these past four years. You taught me so many lessons. You gave me confidence. You added humor to any situation, but you could always be serious when it was needed. I think you're stronger than people give you credit, but I hope you remember to stay grounded.
2. That hug said everything. I don't know if you know that. I don't always understand where some of your actions come from, but I think a majority of your intentions are good.
3. I wish I could find that happy place in our relationship.
4. Be yourself. Please. If you even know who that is. You'd be stronger and more confident if you were that person.
5. I admire you so much because I've never seen you make a mistake. And I don't think it's because you try so hard to be perfect, I think it's because you are a good person. I will miss you. And sadly, I don't know if we'll continue a friendship or not.
6. Good luck. I cannot wait to see who you become. I know you will succeed farther than you ever imagined. Chin up.
7. I'm genuinely worried. I think, in the end, it will be ok with us. But the end may be a ways off. Just so you know, it might be a while.
8. STOP. Pick yourself up. Shape up a bit. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I barely recognize you. Forget everyone you think about too much. Start running, or you're gonna be left behind. You're starting something new. Just do it.
9. I'm scared, but I'm happy. I'm just worried that the happiness could fall apart. Show me you're happy, too. Please.
10. Forgive yourself. They're all telling you to do it. YOU CAN. Love yourself.
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| And all at once the crowd begins to sing |
[09 May 2006|03:00pm] |
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mood |
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surprised...in a good way |
] |
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music |
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All at Once by the Fray |
] |
I'm sick of overanalyzing everything. I need to be able to give people the benefit of the doubt more often. People really can surprise you all the time.
and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
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| PROM |
[07 May 2006|04:40pm] |
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mood |
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tired, but crazy happy |
] |
last night was simply amazing. i love prom.
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| i'm just a lost cause, long shot...don't even take this bet |
[16 Apr 2006|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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refreshed |
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music |
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heard 'em say by kanye west |
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i haven't written in forever. i guess there are some things i need to say, and maybe this isn't the best way to get them out there, but i'll give it a shot.
first, however, i would like to share a story. today, at my aunt's house, we had an easter egg hunt. i guess, to promote participation amongst the older grandchildren, besides hiding eggs, they hid gatorade...and beer. cans of bud light. i'm not even kidding. one is sitting in my fridge right now. be jealous of the funniest easter egg hunt...ever.
i feel like i've let people slip away. maybe blame rests on both sides when relationships start to fade, but i believe that my effort to still talk to and hang out with my friends has been greatly scaled back in these last months. i'm always with emma or brock. don't get me wrong, i love spending time with both of them. they're my bff and my bf...but i can't just surround myself with them. i'm not sure why i let that happen. maybe being busy is an excuse, but its not good enough for me. maybe my laziness has reached an all-time high or something...which is horrible. its freaking mid-april. we have 5-6 weeks left of high school. i realize that some relationships don't survive college, but its not college time yet. and i miss you all, a lot. i miss serious talks and planning a pudding fight with jackie. i miss just chilling with beth, she's awesome to just chill with. i miss crazy ideas with adrienne, especially in financial managment. i miss rachel's down-to-earth advice and sexual comments about everything, they entertain me. i miss hanging out with uma, she just always makes me smile. i miss my phone conversations with meggie, she just always understood what i was saying. i miss alex and being able to talk to her. i miss the most random giddy moments with michaela (although we still have our chats in band). i miss seeing shilpa in social situations, i only see her in school (mainly stats, damn jason). i miss julia and sibel, and i'm a bad friend for not telling them that more.
i'd also like to note though, that it was great getting to spend time with patrick and hae-in during joseph. its great to reconnect.
so here is my easter resolution. i'm going to reconnect with the people i miss. i don't feel like i've lost anyone, but i don't want that to happen. i love you all, and i'm going to miss you next year. this may sound cheesy, but let's make these last months count. i'm serious...ly cheesy. haha.
and i heard 'em say, 'nothing's ever promised tomorrow today.'
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| i didn't think this would happen so soon |
[26 Mar 2006|10:51am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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my mom says we will probably put ruby to sleep tomorrow. if it doesn't happen tomorrow, it will soon. i always hoped she would still be with us when i left for school. i guess if you want to say goodbye or anything, just come by. she would like it.
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| bored...so here's a question for y'all |
[24 Mar 2006|05:47pm] |
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mood |
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hungry |
] |
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music |
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itunes radion-a new discovery |
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i'm really bored. i'm supposed to be doing some stats. but i'm working on some new playlists, and i want your opinions.
what is your favorite song to fall asleep to?
what is your favorite make-out song?
what is your favorite angry song?
let me know!
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| lmao |
[10 Mar 2006|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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hyper |
] |
i'm seriously still laughing from lunch with adrienne and emma. it was just one of those times where everything was funny. Katie/Andrew, the RISK (??) friends, Calvin Klein's secret tattoo. hahahahahaha. BTW, aim and emms, i tried to explain spin the bottle to Brock, but i'm not sure if he understood the situation. i was laughing soo much. and then i said either the risk friends or the other friends would be okay...but i wasn't sure. and then he explained how in middle school he once played stb, except with a knife. yes, i'm still laughing from that too. anyway i hope that goes down tonight. i've honestly never played stb, and although my experience might be slightly different seeing as the bottle will always end up pointing at only one person, i'm still excited.
I WANT TO SKIP REHEARSAL SOOOO BAD. LET THE WEEKEND START!!!
I think the change in the weather is going to bring good things. That might sound kinda weird, but I honestly believe that with the arrival of spring many things change...mostly for the good.
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| march 1 |
[01 Mar 2006|06:23pm] |
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mood |
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i feel like punching a wall |
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yearbook will be the death of me. these two upcoming days may be the most stressful days of senior year. if zack a. can find those index pages, i will love him forever. beth, thank you SO much for your hardwork, i really hope we can find it. yay for meggie, dan, and zach c. for staying late today. i hope i gave some help...
...but i don't think i did. the fact of the matter is, i sat there for over two hours, only there for moral support, but i didn't feel like getting up and going to rehearsal. if i had been doing something productive, maybe i wouldn't feel so bad now. my heart is not in joseph at all. i'm thinking about telling aldridge that i'm quitting. the thing is, if i did that, i'd want to hear her say that i should stay, but she won't. she's aldridge. so what will i regret more, sitting in the audience, wishing i was there? or being in the show for the next month, wishing i had the part i wanted? i'm trying to not be bitter here...she must have seen something in those girls that isn't in me. but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. maybe i should end my time in the drama department with the good memories of rumors.
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| a ___________ state of mind |
[20 Feb 2006|12:55pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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the strange sound of CHS's heating system |
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i feel like i haven't written in forever. i really shouldn't be writing right now, but i have no drive to write this paper for kleber. i just want to get to the next book. i'd rather just read, not write. i think it would be awesome to major in reading at college. no writing, just reading. someday i'm going to make that a major. i feel blah. and i just heard kleber outside of the door, so i pretended to finish my outline. i dunno.
the anonymous entries in michaela's LJ have really been making me think. there is so much more to honesty than not telling a lie. i mean, simply, that's all there is to it, don't lie. i like the anonymous posts (for that entry). you can divulge whatever, and yeah, we might sit there and try to figure out who you are, but i'm guessing it would be very tough to guess who actually said a lot of those things. many are similar, which means some of are feeling those feelings. i know i can relate to a lot of them. but are we being honest? is it better for us to just get this things off of our chests without having to really face them? it feels good to make confessions like that. to say it, knowing people will read it, and maybe agree, or at least realize that someone out there feels that way. but could (would) it be better to be able to say these things to the person/people that they are truly directed at? are we not being honest until we say what we need to say to faces, not an online community? i'm not trying to hate on michaela's idea at all. i really like it. and often times there are things you can never say to someone's face but you just need to put it out there, and that is perfectly alright. i'm just wondering, is there a step after confession?
and can you lie to yourself? is putting up a face for the world lying? protecting? lying is telling yourself its not true. but don't you really know its false the whole time?
so i'm gonna try my best to be honest. i'm going to try to share my real feelings. not just half and not toned-down. my real feelings. i'm guilty of being dishonest because i'm holding stuff inside of me. i wonder how much is ok to hold inside? there are little things, feelings out there that no one needs to know, maybe. but wouldn't it be something to share everything with (at least) one person? can you imagine...that kind of trust?
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